Rainy Day Rummaging

 

All my life I've scribbled and written. It has accumulated to a large amount of drawings and stories over the years. I have kept anything that I liked or thought was half decent, always with the intent of doing something with it one day.

Well now, it is one day and I am starting to organise my stories and get them illustrated. It's exciting, so exciting, as I am not just day dreaming anymore, but actually being proactive!

It is very therapeutic, actually, and also weird. I found a dairy from like 11 years ago, full of shopping list and budgeting, but in the margins were my drawings and stories...I clearly ran out of paper!

I also found my children's scrap books I've been making for them, and a picture of me pregnant with my second child, looking so young and so different. It really took me back to that time.

I've been married twice, and both situations were not ideal, and it really took me back to a place where I was not happy. It made me realise for the first time in my life, I am actually happy and content, and I am ok with being single and being on my own.

I have plans and ambition, and just want to create a happy home for my kids. 

Apart from rummaging through my hoard of bad art and stories, I had some leggings and a new dress come in the mail this week, which I was super excited about. I've had a pretty rough month due to a head injury and chest infection, and I was getting pretty housebound.

Yesterday, I thought I'd sneak out to the supermarket, and was feeling like the world’s biggest scab. I am still slightly limping and I ran into two of my friends, as you do. They didn't care, but I felt like Josie Grosse in Never been Kissed.

So, after my little pity party and chocolate adventure yesterday, I ate healthily today and put on some makeup. I tried on my new dress with my floral crown, and I felt like a million dollars for the first time in a month.

I bought myself this dress as a present to congratulate myself for making it through a very tough year. It's now been a year and one day, over it in fact and I can apply for divorce whenever I like. I'm not sad anymore, I'm actually relieved, and I know that nothing can go back to the way it was. Just like the poem, Splendour in the Grass.

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower,

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind…

I always say that in my head, to remind myself that it's only forward from here. So, this is my celebration dress. 

I'm happy things are looking up, I feel as though I have been in a transitional stage for so long, just trying to make sense of life, make sense of everything, but finally, I am healing and seeing the way forward.

The kids and I also played hang man and restarted reading the Wizard of Oz series. We started it like over a year ago and life happened and we didn't end up finishing it. I actually have the entire series, so will be fun to read through all the different books. Major writer inspiration right there!

I also listened to my friend’s CD, which is an EP, containing six lovely songs. I sat in the dark, listening to the rain and the soft, folky sounds of Born in October, and I sipped on my cup of tea, feeling content that I had achieved a lot to day :)

Know Your Self to Know Your Blog...

I've wanted to have a blog for the past few years, but really struggled to find my feet as a blogger. I now realise it was because I didn't really know who I was and I wasn't living my authentic life.

I spent a great deal of time watching Oprah as  teenager and D.Phil. and they taught me far more than school ever did. Now I am not saying you don't need  an education, but I am saying their life advice has given me a wisdom that I have always clung too, because what use is an education without common sense and wisdom?

When I first started blogging, I really had no idea what I was doing, and I hadn't even read any blogs except Tavi Gevinson. I was amazed at how cool the idea of blogging was, it was like a dairy, like a  peep into another person's soul and I thought that was very interesting.

My favourite type of blogs are the ones that are more authentic, that look kind of dodgey. I'm not a huge fan of blogs that look too much like a professional website as I think they lose something in the translation.

Something happened to blogs a few years ago and they started getting fancier and fancier and becoming mini websites. While I think it's important to have an aesthetically pleasing and well set out blog, It should for all intensive purposes still feel like a blog and reflect the character of it's author/s.

My first blog was supposed to be a vintage clothing blog, but then it turned into a personal blog and I really had no idea what I was fucking doing. It would be a food blog, talk about Autism blog, op-shop scores blogs, challenge blog, you know like a portrait a week for 52 weeks etc
It was random to sat the least.

Now, after multiple attempts with blogging, changing my blogs name, changing the template constantly etc...I lost any readers or audience I had because I fucked around with it so damn much. If I don't know what I 'm doing- the audience isn't going to trust me.

A few years ago, I actually got very depressed because my blog seemed like a fruitless waste of time, but like  I said, it was just me making white noise into the blogsphere because I  didn't really live what I was doing.

When you are aligned with your life's purpose, you feel it in your soul. This is how I feel about writing and everyone I know tells me I am a good writer and to keep at it. I always did well in English with my creative writing and it was these marks that tipped me over into the advanced English class.

I have known since I was a child that I was born to write. I think that when something is your reason for being on this earth you just know. Writing is like breathing to me and I need to write to function, to be happy, to calm and abate my nerves, to get out my feelings and feel normal. 

It is this belief and this knowledge that I need to channel into myself and my blog. I'm not going to blog about cars or giraffes am I? If I did it would not be authentic. I wouldn't really give a crap and wouldn't have a whole lot to say on the topic would I?

But get me talking about my stories, about books, and about what ignites my soul and hopefully it will translate into something that other people can enjoy and understand.

Always choose the topic that ignites you to blog about because that is where you will flourish, be true to yourself and live your authentic life.

Because I have so many diverse interest, I decided to have several blogs, one for vintage stuff and cheap horror films, one for writing, and one that was more personal and crafty. 

Now I feel much more content knowing that I can express all parts of me, with confidence and the knowledge that I kind of know where I'm going now!

Lost

My poetry book Decade is almost done. I have been compiled all the poems I can finds that I have written over the last while into a book. Of course there are more, but they are buried deep in boxes amongst many, many notebooks and drawings, so I will save those for another book.

I just found my little notebook, which has about eight poems in it and am currently typing these up, then I will be ready to have my book edited.

I love telling stories, and I love writing poetry. My poetry isn't that solid and I do want to learn more poetry skills and learn about form and structure etc one day, but for now, this is just a bout expressing what is in  heart, and purging a lot of the pain I've had to deal with.

Lost

Once we lived a golden life,
Hand in hand,
Side by side,
But now You've moved on,
And I have nowhere to hide.

The sunshine came in,
casting light upon all our shadows,
You saw my pain,
And turned away,
You said,
'Nothing matters.'

I lost you so long ago,
But only just realised,
You said you still loved me,
I thought,
I saw it in your eyes,
I should of believed you actions,
And listened when you lied.

You walked a tangled path,
Of thorns and weeds,
They smothered you,
And you could no longer see,
Me.

Your eyes they no longer linger,
In love filled gazes,
Nor does your heart beat,
With the craziness,
Of love's unique beat,
And I no longer,
Fall at your feet.

One Year Today

One year today,
I walked away,
Not knowing this is where I'd end up.
I longed and prayed you'd see how you disrupt,
me, how you corrupt,
the happy days of sun,
that your anger it,
allowed no one,
To shine,
but only confined us,
to nothing-
ness.

I walked away,
confused,
betrayed and used,
hoping you'd see,
waiting,
longing for you to find remorse,
but of course,
Only,
Came nothing.

The year,
it has been long,
So much has changed,
as have I,
but you still seem stuck,
and I forget why,
I ever loved you...

Never Really Loved

I thought that we would be forever,
A love that was stronger than any pain,
But I was wrong,
and if I refrain,
for a moment I can see,
looking back,
it was quite easy,
to see,
that your heart was never really true,
You doubted from the start,
I knew,
I felt it,
You admitted it,
But I loved.

You looked me in the eye,
You said, 'I can do this,'
deep down, I wondered.

Everyone said, Your so lucky to have him,
like I was a burden.

Like a Mother isn't worth loving,
Like a mother isn't good enough on her own,
she prowls the night looking for her next victim...

my intentions were pure,
I just wanted love,
I saw something in you,
that made me feel at home.


I though that you were strong,
And stoic,
You were just cold and frozen,
 And know  know it.

Never will I allow myself to be fooled again,
I'd rather die alone, than let that sort of pain,
enter into my heart...


For really what is love?
I've never had it for real,
so how can I miss it anyway?

Missing what i thought I had?
What exactly am I supposed to feel?

Soooo excited! Just received another two pages from my illustrator! I can't wait to actually finish one of my books and actually say I am a published author! I love the idea of self publishing, because you have control over your own content. You also can just decide your going to run with a concept and start to put it into motion, you don't have to wait around hoping someone will pick it up or approve it. 

Of course with self publishing, you have to pick up more of the workload and more of the cost, but I feel it is the right option for me right now. I'm not saying I would never try and get something published traditionally, but for mow I am happy to just create and see how I go :)

I feel as though I am just finding my feet as a writer, and I have written in a few different genres, Gothic Fantasy/Science Fiction, Murder Mystery, Children's Books and Poetry. I have sat on my manuscripts and ideas for years, and now I am slowly making my way through my boxes of ideas and stories and I can see them coming to life, it's an amazing feeling to to create something and share it with  the world :)

I love the way the world has opened up in the last ten years, E-books are now a thing, a Kindle Reader is now a thing. It has changed the way we create, publish and purchase written media and if it wasn't for this technologically, so many people would not be able to get their work out there!

Who I am as a writer now, is a reflection of all those years of ideas, and I want to release what I have written. Only then will I feel as though I can move onto the new chapter of my life. Moving back to my hometown, soon to be divorced, it feels like a very cathartic and natural thing to do to go over the past, drag out all the old photo albums, all the old stories, and make sense of it all.

It's my way of processing my life's journey so far, and hopefully others will get some joy out of my stories and poetry or at least give them something think about.

Archie the Brave

Been working on my books this morning. I'm so excited becuase I'm finally starting to get some where with something! It feels like for long, it's been just a dream and an idea in my head.

But now, I have more pages on the way from my illustrator, and I'm getting through my stories,and soon they will be ready to be edited.

It actually feels real and I can't believe it's taken me so long to get to this point! I can't wait to see the finished product and know that I am actually living my dream and purpose in life.